Like all the iPhone junkies out there, the day the iPhone 5 came out I was in line to get one. I won't say first in line because, while the intention was there, when the day came my bed was far more attractive than the idea of getting up early to line up for hours for a phone.
I had a Cunning Plan instead. I noodled on down to the Garden City store around mid-afternoon, figuring that, as it had only opened three days earlier, most people would head to the more established flagship store in Perth proper. It would seem my instincts proved correct, given that Perth had apparently sold out by then, while at Garden City I was able to walk straight in and had my pick of phone colour and storage capacity.
I'd determinedly hung onto my iPhone 3GS for as long as possible - I liked the curved shape, and I saw no great benefit to getting the 4. But by the time the 5 rolled around I was ready for a new phone; my phone's internet had slowed to a crawl, the lag and the bugs were starting to drive me mental, and the home button was starting to get dodgy. I wanted something shiny and new after three years of phone monogamy. It was metaphorical convertible time in our relationship. So I dumped it for a newer, sleeker, faster model.
Now, as many of you know, the iPhone 5 propaganda attempted to woo us with a slew of new, sexy features, and one of the most talked about was the new Apple Maps, which was to replace Google Maps. (While we're on the subject of their supposed innovation, check out the launch videos for the original iPhone, and then compare it to the latest. While there is no doubt that the original's release revolutionised the smartphone, each launch since has been very similar - refinement and improvement, certainly, but it's still essentially the same phone. Well played, Apple. Style wins over substance once again).
Lots of people joked about how awful the new maps app was, but I initially scoffed at this. After all, I liked the new interface with the green direction signs, and I liked the way they automatically advanced as you passed them. Of course, my initial experiences were of my entering street addresses and driving, for which it functioned well. It also didn't bother me that their apparently amazing 3D maps were actually just the flat map at a slightly different angle - a pointless feature, if you ask me, but hey, let them have their fun.
That all changed when I then started trying to use other features that were so convenient in the old Google maps. Walking directions would lie to me, sending me ever further from my destination like one of those nightmares where no matter how fast you run, you just don't seem to get anywhere. I would walk up and down the same streets and paths, never finding my destination, while it fed me false information. True story. Just ask a friend of mine whom I arranged to meet at the Nespresso store in Perth last week - eventually I had to get him to come fetch me and take me to the store, after wandering the malls for ten minutes as Apply maps insisted it was in the opposite direction from reality.
And don't get me started on the search feature - enter in a business name or a street name without the suburb and, instead of searching for the nearest thing, it attempts to search in America first. Hence looking for the nearest Ben & Jerry store in Brisbane produced the intersection of Ben and Jerry Lanes in Judsonia, Arizona, while searching for the Subiaco nightclub, Red Sea, whilst IN Subiaco produced the actual Red Sea in Northern Africa. Not illogical, I'll grant you, but back in MY day, Google maps took your current location into account...while walking five miles barefoot in the snow.
One feature that appealed to me was the "eyes-free" route maps, which was supposed to sync with your bluetooth and provide verbal directions, just like a proper Sat Nav. Except it didn't. So I was stuck with peering at it when stopped at lights and hoping for the best. Because looking at your phone, or texting, is Wrong and Should Never Be Done Under Any Circumstances. <shines halo>
Then, miraculously, it suddenly decided to work Thursday night on my way to the Astor Theatre for a function. Suddenly, without warning, my phone starting issuing commands to me through the car speakers in a crisp British accent. I was entranced. I named my Nav Man Alfred, and suddenly found a new form of entertainment whilst driving as he and I differed in opinion as to the best route to take to the theatre. There ensued a battle of wills while he repeatedly instructed me in a stern tone of voice to turn, then do a u-turn and so on, until we reached our destination and I switched him off.
The experience was so much fun that I opted to turn it on for the trip back home, even though I already knew the way, and I was delighted to see that, once more, Alfred disagreed with me. The journey home consisted of him issuing turning, u-turn and then amended instructions as he attempted to compromise for the sake of our relationship, while my replies somewhat resembled the chorus of this song. In fact, as fate would have it, that song came on my iPod while I was driving, so the driving instructions were interspersed with the lyrics "f*** you, I won't do what you tell me" as I blithely ignored poor Alfred's polite, if overly forceful, instructions.
Never do what they tell you.
