Who’s that speed trapping under my bridge?

The Tunnel

There is a forbidden realm lurking under Perth.  It’s known by locals as the “Polly Pipe”.  For those of you who’ve never heard of it, this is an underground tunnel which passes under our CBD, allowing people to cross from the north to the south (and back again, oddly enough) without having to negotiate the clogged arteries of the heart of the city.

I live in an area known as the Golden Triangle by both the pretentious and the sardonic, albeit with different meanings. It is so named because it is a well-to-do area (I’m just a fraud living in an elite suburb where I don’t really belong thanks to living in a boarding house) which is a smallish triangle of land between the river and the sea.  In order to go anywhere outside the GT (i.e. most of Perth), one must travel via one of our two cities; Perth or Fremantle.  Whenever I wish to visit the northern suburbs, the most direct route tends to be via this underground tunnel.

It is a convenient short-cut, and so I frequently use it.  But I have ever despised the experience of passing through it for a number of reasons.   I will outline these reasons forthwith:

Firstly, the experience of driving through that dark, eerily lit industrial space with its emergency phones and warning signs spaced at regular intervals strongly reminds me of a number of disaster and action films. Key dramatic events are frequently played out in such locations, and are generally of the explosive fireball of death variety, with a low-flying helicopter crash occasionally thrown in for good measure. The one that comes to mind the most vividly when I’m driving through it is Independence Day.  Remember the scene where people are trapped in the tunnel getting blown up, and we’re all like, ‘meh, whatever, dude. Such is life,” UNTIL the dog almost gets caught in the fiery inferno, and suddenly we care about that innocent little canine and cheer when he narrowly escapes the flames? 

Secondly, you seem to get two kinds of driver in there - the Speed Demons and the Sunday Drivers. The former take full advantage of the lack of speed cameras and immediately attempt to stage an impromptu car rally, zipping in and out of lanes like the police are chasing them.  Which I think will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  My favourite moment in that tunnel was to see the flashing lights come up behind us in pursuit of a car that had just cut me off in order to zoom off at high speed - right in front of an undercover cop car.  Well done there, chaps.

The latter are maddening, especially as they often seem to travel in slowly paced packs, drifting along side by side like self-appointed speed-regulators, forcing the commuters to do ten under the 80km an hour speed limit because it’s just so scawy in the dark tunnel.

But the main reason the tunnel creeps me out is this: I’m pretty sure there’s an evil troll living in it.  No, seriously.  There’s a unpleasant vibe that hits me every time I pass through the middle of it. Since I get the same vibe around the same point no matter which direction I travel, I’ve decided he’s set up house in the middle wall of the tunnel.  I’ve even picked out the location, just so I’m prepared for when I get trapped in there when the aliens come to destroy the place.  

Oh, now that’s just being silly. As IF the aliens would bother coming here.  Everyone knows the only city worth visiting in Australia is Sydney.  Just look at every single alien invasion movie.  Go Opera House or Go Home.

I tell a lie.  The aliens DID come to Willeton... But then the council tore down their home after years of peaceful coexistence, forcing them to go elsewhere to sell real estate.

The Willeton Spaceship - cnr Karel Ave and Leach Hwy

So, anyway, the troll.  I actually kind of like the idea of a hulking great troll lurking in the shadows of the tunnel.  I’ll take trolls over tolls any day of the week.  And no matter how much bad juju I’m driving through by entering his domain, it still beats trying to negotiate the back streets of Northbridge. The council seem to be trying to make it into some real-life version of The Labyrinth, with its constantly-changing-direction one way streets, black and white zig-zaggy sculptures arching over roundabouts and a variety of people who don’t seem to have jobs wandering around in a range of looks from cyber to steam punk, goth to lolita, and a few who definitely wouldn’t have looked out of place in the goblin king’s kingdom.

Then again, maybe I'm just slightly claustrophobic, and that’s just a monitoring office occupied by a bitter and disgruntled transport worker named Joe.